As a peace loving, tree hugger, I try not to use my blog for political causes, but I must take this divisive, yet firm, stand against fruitcakes.
Far too many holiday party guests have been scared away, too many nights of one too many car accidents have been caused by drunken fruitcake eaters, and do not forget that America is in midst of an obesity epidemic! Worst of all fruitcake is bad for America, this potent mix of cake, fruit, and booze could be the root of terrorism. All of these reasons and many many more are why I'm not only the proud founder of the Society for the Alternative Uses of Fruitcake (SAUF); I'm a member of the society too!
So when you get your fruitcake (and I know many of you will), I urge you (and your intestines do too) to find an Alternative use for that fruitcake. If you don't know what to do with your fruitcake, and are rightfully too afraid to eat it here are some ideas:
- Spare tires (work equally well on trailers)
- The hubby & I have found that it makes terrific body armor if you happen to walk into a gang fight.
- Really good bait for homeless folks with 'substance issues'
- A hockey puck
- A pillow for a seat - it is very comfy on your behind
- Alternative housing. Collect fruitcakes until you have enough to build a new home. It works great as insulation. Beats straw bale and cardboard construction to pieces.
- Use it to drive nails for hanging pictures when you can't find a hammer.
- Christmas tree stand. It'll hold your tree straight and not tip over.
- At your next company holiday party - Shove into the mouth of someone who talks too much.
Please post how you plan on alternately using your fruitcake!
4 comments:
1. Out of candles? The alcohol in a fruitcake could light your fire for quite some while. Just light a corner and watch it burn.
2. Uninvited guests? Open window on upper floor and drop onto head of intruder. The concussion should keep them in the hospital at least overnight.
3. Save for nuclear holocast... it will probably survive right along with the Twinkies.
I must be careful, as I am often the recipient of a fantastic Christmas cake. One filled with wonderful and tasty fruit... But if anyone were to give me a more traditional and hard fruitcake, here are some thoughtful uses.
*Fruit cake as an animal tranquilizer. Feed it too your pet and they won't move for days afterward....they'll be too HEAVY to move for days afterward. (Caution- use in small doses. Fruit cake is just as hazardous to animals as it is to humans.)
*let the fruitcake harden to an absolute solid, then strategically place yourself on the roof of a high building from which your intended target shall soon emerge. a silent, untraceable, unexpected, undetectable deadly weapon. plus, if you get caught you might even plea it as an accident. Maybe I could use this one on the neighbors...
*Use fruitcake to "anesthetize" youth when they have a little too much energy.
*A great substitute for a bullet-proof vest.
Reinventing-the-wheel Fruitcake recipe:
- Make a Duncan Hines Carrot cake as directed, except add a can of (drained) crushed pineapple and a bit of rum.
- top the cake with a layer of (drained) mandarin oranges
- mix together lemon pudding, an 8 oz. package of 1/3 less fat cream cheese, and 1 cup of confectioner's sugar. spoon on top of the oranges
- top with dried cranberries & pecans
interesting, but it works :)
I would like to put in an early request for one of Sharon's LOL
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